I think I'll move to Michigan... Yep, leave.  Leave the job stress. Go be with the grandchildren! 

I'm almost 64 and the rules and regulations of the medical office charting and documentation and attesting have just about sent me over the edge. On my feet all day, keeping up with the schedule, the phones, etc!!  It's not that I can't do it.  Oh, I can keep up with the best of them and then some...truly.  No dementia or loss of physical ability here--I can still run circles around the younger gals.  Nope, not that.  And it's not like my work environment is bad.  My co-workers and bosses are lovely...wonderful and friendly.  But my boss is stressed, also, and today accused me of something I didn't do--said with a smile, but an edge to the voice. Hey, could I be thanked for all I did do?  As in catching critical labs late Wednesday evening after she'd already long left the office?  Eeesh.  I don't need accolades I know what I do and I do it professionally, but, please...things I didn't even do?  Oh, for the wings of a dove, transporting me to a new, enjoyable place. 

I could...I could book my ticket and leave--what an adventure!  Of course, of course, this is a pipe dream.  I'll be here this year and the year after, faithfully doing my job, taking the highest quality care of my patients, with compassion because this is what I do.  Period.  In another life, maybe things would have been different.  Maybe a husband with a better income, no history of anger issues and tobacco abuse,  Me with a better education, garnering a higher salary, having been confident as a young person that I was intelligent.  Ahh, well, can't cry over spilled milk, and I've looked at all this and made peace with it in meditation and during my inner work.  Maybe..., someday, could have been... why didn't I, why didn't he...  All futile musings, because I am here now and aware.  Aware of what I have this moment and how I'm feeling this moment.  The situations may change, but it all comes down to my relationship with me and with God right here, right now.  Yes, the world is full of possibilities--it's not stagnant.  But right now, I'm open to what is, with kindness towards myself.  My tender, rational adult is in the forefront, nurturing the child and the beaten down woman, telling them she understands and she is here--one hand in God's and the other wrapped around me.  For this moment I'm fine just the way I am.

The black cloud descended again somewhere around  the 14th.  I knew it well, like a familiar pair of shoes; I hated it; I resisted it.  Face down in the mud, drinking puddle syrup, stone cold.  Over and over throughout my adult years, I've known these dark nights of the soul.  I could, as in the past, crawl under the covers in shame, berating myself until I feel utterly unfit to be taking up my personal space on God's earth.   I could settle myself in the pool of unworthiness, unable to freely embrace my multi-faceted life.

In years past, I had no idea what to do with my despair, my pain, my shame over not being enough and the subsequent roiling anxieties.  I controlled, I volunteered at church, I exercised, I ate, I slept, I worked--I DID.  And that was the problem...DOING.  Always DOING to escape pain.  Always doing to escape the feelings.  Pain and feelings meant needs and needs were bad and shameful.  Always wishing my life was different, more satisfying and feeling shame over THAT!

And then, God broke through...February of 2010, to be exact.  I was led to a gifted therapist who showed me how to go inside.  Through visualization and meditation, God was able to break through my barriers and show me who I was with Him, who I really was...and my pretenses agonizingly crumbled in the light.  So why in the heck am I still having bouts of darkness?  Who knows and who cares??  Because the darkness no longer signals "lack" or "less than".  It is part of the tapestry of ME.  

Group meditation this last weekend was especially rich, not because I tried to pretend life was wonderful and all peace, but because I was needy in the moment and I knew it and I did not turn away.   What I was shown, I hope never to forget.  I was drawn to a body of water, deep inside, the still, silvery blue of the ocean at sunset.  I was bidden to slither in.  I felt no change of temperature...neither warm or cold.  The water was as I am, perfectly fine-tuned for my body to function.  I heard, "this water is your needs, your longings, your desires.  It is neutral in temperature, because your needs are neutral--neither good or bad.  They were instilled in you during conception, from Me, to form the whole of who you are.  You are painfully miserable when you deny your needs in any form, as you are denying the whole of who you are--beautifully rich and complex and able to understand the smallest nuances of colors, atmosphere, the behavior of others.  If you deny, you will never be fully human in the sense you were created to be."   Wow...aching gratefulness and wonder.  No more words right now... 
   

I have to be shown over and over...and over.  When I'm not mindful, I forget.  When my mind is cluttered and "uncentered", I forget.  When I'm thinking of everyone but me, I forget.   I need to be...selfish.  Selfish in the right way--taking good care of me.  Because, who else is going to??  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  I can't love if I don't follow the second injunction:  as yourself.  Now I know this is kindergarten basic, but over and over, I flunk.  My mind is on everything and everyone else:  what others want, what they are thinking, what they are thinking in relationship to those for whom I care, what the dog needs, what my patients' need, my employer, etc to infinity!!!  And, in the midst of all that, I forget the really important things, the really important acts of caring, because I'm not caring for ME.

I am coming to these realizations infinitely more quickly than I used to, which is an encouragement.  I no longer stay in the mud puddle, I meditate my way out.  I meditate in the midst of darkness and the light is revealed, slowly, surely, clearly.  As the mindless chatter gives way to God, Spirit reveals what I need to know.  Imparted in the way I clearly recognize, Spirit lovingly, tenderly embraces my deepest needs.  God knows my need for love and acceptance and tenderness.  God knows why I'm not at ease...I'm not embracing ME and my needs.  I try to deny my need need for love, for tender embraces, for acceptance and nurturing on a human, as well as a spiritual level.  When I deny, I'm denying myself at my deepest and most vulnerable levels.  Is it any wonder I don't feel like myself?  Myself is being denied.  Just as I write, Spirit is revealing!

I will continue my inner work, always.  Not with an agenda, but with an open heart.  Open to what is and what God knows I need for this moment and the next...

It's the small things, really, the minutia of the daily, the seasons...and I'm missing it.  

We've been living in town since April of this year, moving from the Boy Scout Camp behind Lopez Lake.   An exciting move to a newer, snug mobile home with 3 (!) bedrooms, a small yard and easy access to town.  Also, sigh, the unceasing hum of traffic, paved sidewalks and lack of privacy. The adventurer in me embraced the move.  This is new; this is exciting.  Yes, the last trek across the face of the dam, car packed to the gills, was accompanied by a slight tearfulness (or as close as I ever get), but the newness took center stage.  A new little yard to plant. Arranging our new living space.  Into summer, the tomato plants flourished, along with a bountiful crop of apples and lemons,  Yay!  I'm loving this, right?  And I did, touching the sides of my life with confidence and optimism.  I threw myself into this new lifestyle with aplomb, working as usual, then adding other responsibilities such as the yard, hiking and walking more, having people over--yep, all good, but not super mindful.

Then the accident...lots of time to think, to meditate,  to pray.  As I did, I realized my soul was hungry for what made me feel at home with myself.  As I meditated to find clarity with my new physical disability, I touched the deep arena of my longings and needs.  I often listen to my "Controller", who tells me to suck it up, that neediness equals weakness.  Touching the deepest places brought clarity.  Not only for allowing others to care for me, but realizing why I was unsettled inside myself.   Unacknowledged longings were "uncomforted"  and disallowed.   You see, no longer have I been able to view the sunrises and sunsets in their fullness,  unobstructed by buildings, utility poles and mobile homes several feet away.  I've been missing the autumnal beauty I reveled in for 17 years. I miss the myriad species of birds and wildlife,  the wildflowers up close, the scents, sounds and textures.  When the first rains came this fall, I longed for the smell of tangy, wet pine needles mixed with loamy earth.  I miss the familiar trails, traversed 3 or 4 times weekly.  I knew each turn and twist, the foliage and trees; I had my stops for contemplation.  I knew them, seasonally, when each wildflower would bloom and wane, when the leaves would turn...all was a part of my deepest soul and my praises to Creator God.

There was and is a hole in my heart.  I feel like someone else at times, longing to be tethered to the real me, experientially...with all five senses.  To find comfort in the familiar and the silence, my heart aches for these.  I have dealt with some anxiety and fearfulness these past 10 weeks.   But I'm not turning away.  This is my truth and I own it.  As I do,  regrets, anxieties and fears calm a bit because they're being recognized with kindness.  And I'm open and receiving.  God knew what I needed and what I continue to need each moment.  For this moment I'm open and accepting.  That is enough.

So much I could write about.  So many circumstances have been a part of my week...

Margaret died on Tuesday evening.   Very glad her suffering was brief, less than 3 weeks.  Grateful to have been able to communicate closely with Terry and Laurie through all this.  We are the next generation,  her legacy of caring lives on through us.  Mother is unemotional, even though this is the sister to whom she was the closest.   I can only hope she sheds tears in private.   I hurt for her and I dislike the fact that I, too, struggle with vulnerability...I rarely am able to cry, though I've prayed for the gift of tears.

I worked full days Monday through Wednesday.   Felt good, but frustratingly painful.   PT twice, which feels painfully good.  I am doing the exercises at home.  I am being proactive.   I am meditating healing energy to my leg/ankle.  I've been listening to youtube talks about healing.  Working on staying present and grounded while visualizing healing and walking normally again.

Thanksgiving in Nipomo was such a great time with the family.   I really didn't do much.  The girls made everything so pretty and Aaron cooked a stellar feast. So different this year...  I'm usually in the camp kitchen cooking a feast for family and neighbors.   So much has changed this year,  that I oftentimes don't feel like ME.  I miss many aspects of living at the camp,  while enjoying many benefits of living in town.  God help me to be present and content wherever I am.

My precious Aunt Margaret is dying.  Terry and Laurie are keeping vigil over her.  Laurie's two girls flew over.   I remember the feelings from my time with Daddy as I see my cousins going through a similar time.  The long days, watching the breathing, remembering days now past, prayers and realizing the massive life shifts,  while sitting quietly watching and waiting.

Yesterday was my first full day at work.  I felt a bit more normal, as in "my normal routine" which is comforting, but had to have others take over rooming patients by 10:40 as my foot/ankle was hurting.  Discouraging,  but easier to admit,  without shame, than ever before.  Growth!  Vulnerability!   And it's good.  PT was very helpful, rather painful and sorta discouraging as I see how little I can actually accomplish. But..I am staying in the moment and learning... I'm staying with the feelings of helplessness and needing help.  I'm open to allowing others to be themselves and assist me.  I see their pleasure in assisting me with the various things that are difficult for me right now.   The needs are lessening, but I am embracing my situation with greater ease...yes, I am!

Cast off today.  Feels so strange.   The skin is tight and scaly, but I soaked and scrubbed like crazy this evening to get off 6 weeks of dead skin, ick.  Ankle is stiff and swollen, but I'm told I can full weight bear.  It's daunting to even put my foot down, but I am going to work and work to get to a new normal.  I choose not to be discouraged about the rehab process. I choose to remain vulnerable and grateful for the inner wisdom and insights received during my down time.  I choose to meditate and pray for healing,  my own and certain others whom God has placed in my life.   I choose...