I think I'll move to Michigan... Yep, leave.  Leave the job stress. Go be with the grandchildren! 

I'm almost 64 and the rules and regulations of the medical office charting and documentation and attesting have just about sent me over the edge. On my feet all day, keeping up with the schedule, the phones, etc!!  It's not that I can't do it.  Oh, I can keep up with the best of them and then some...truly.  No dementia or loss of physical ability here--I can still run circles around the younger gals.  Nope, not that.  And it's not like my work environment is bad.  My co-workers and bosses are lovely...wonderful and friendly.  But my boss is stressed, also, and today accused me of something I didn't do--said with a smile, but an edge to the voice. Hey, could I be thanked for all I did do?  As in catching critical labs late Wednesday evening after she'd already long left the office?  Eeesh.  I don't need accolades I know what I do and I do it professionally, but, please...things I didn't even do?  Oh, for the wings of a dove, transporting me to a new, enjoyable place. 

I could...I could book my ticket and leave--what an adventure!  Of course, of course, this is a pipe dream.  I'll be here this year and the year after, faithfully doing my job, taking the highest quality care of my patients, with compassion because this is what I do.  Period.  In another life, maybe things would have been different.  Maybe a husband with a better income, no history of anger issues and tobacco abuse,  Me with a better education, garnering a higher salary, having been confident as a young person that I was intelligent.  Ahh, well, can't cry over spilled milk, and I've looked at all this and made peace with it in meditation and during my inner work.  Maybe..., someday, could have been... why didn't I, why didn't he...  All futile musings, because I am here now and aware.  Aware of what I have this moment and how I'm feeling this moment.  The situations may change, but it all comes down to my relationship with me and with God right here, right now.  Yes, the world is full of possibilities--it's not stagnant.  But right now, I'm open to what is, with kindness towards myself.  My tender, rational adult is in the forefront, nurturing the child and the beaten down woman, telling them she understands and she is here--one hand in God's and the other wrapped around me.  For this moment I'm fine just the way I am.

The black cloud descended again somewhere around  the 14th.  I knew it well, like a familiar pair of shoes; I hated it; I resisted it.  Face down in the mud, drinking puddle syrup, stone cold.  Over and over throughout my adult years, I've known these dark nights of the soul.  I could, as in the past, crawl under the covers in shame, berating myself until I feel utterly unfit to be taking up my personal space on God's earth.   I could settle myself in the pool of unworthiness, unable to freely embrace my multi-faceted life.

In years past, I had no idea what to do with my despair, my pain, my shame over not being enough and the subsequent roiling anxieties.  I controlled, I volunteered at church, I exercised, I ate, I slept, I worked--I DID.  And that was the problem...DOING.  Always DOING to escape pain.  Always doing to escape the feelings.  Pain and feelings meant needs and needs were bad and shameful.  Always wishing my life was different, more satisfying and feeling shame over THAT!

And then, God broke through...February of 2010, to be exact.  I was led to a gifted therapist who showed me how to go inside.  Through visualization and meditation, God was able to break through my barriers and show me who I was with Him, who I really was...and my pretenses agonizingly crumbled in the light.  So why in the heck am I still having bouts of darkness?  Who knows and who cares??  Because the darkness no longer signals "lack" or "less than".  It is part of the tapestry of ME.  

Group meditation this last weekend was especially rich, not because I tried to pretend life was wonderful and all peace, but because I was needy in the moment and I knew it and I did not turn away.   What I was shown, I hope never to forget.  I was drawn to a body of water, deep inside, the still, silvery blue of the ocean at sunset.  I was bidden to slither in.  I felt no change of temperature...neither warm or cold.  The water was as I am, perfectly fine-tuned for my body to function.  I heard, "this water is your needs, your longings, your desires.  It is neutral in temperature, because your needs are neutral--neither good or bad.  They were instilled in you during conception, from Me, to form the whole of who you are.  You are painfully miserable when you deny your needs in any form, as you are denying the whole of who you are--beautifully rich and complex and able to understand the smallest nuances of colors, atmosphere, the behavior of others.  If you deny, you will never be fully human in the sense you were created to be."   Wow...aching gratefulness and wonder.  No more words right now...