I have to be shown over and over...and over.  When I'm not mindful, I forget.  When my mind is cluttered and "uncentered", I forget.  When I'm thinking of everyone but me, I forget.   I need to be...selfish.  Selfish in the right way--taking good care of me.  Because, who else is going to??  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  I can't love if I don't follow the second injunction:  as yourself.  Now I know this is kindergarten basic, but over and over, I flunk.  My mind is on everything and everyone else:  what others want, what they are thinking, what they are thinking in relationship to those for whom I care, what the dog needs, what my patients' need, my employer, etc to infinity!!!  And, in the midst of all that, I forget the really important things, the really important acts of caring, because I'm not caring for ME.

I am coming to these realizations infinitely more quickly than I used to, which is an encouragement.  I no longer stay in the mud puddle, I meditate my way out.  I meditate in the midst of darkness and the light is revealed, slowly, surely, clearly.  As the mindless chatter gives way to God, Spirit reveals what I need to know.  Imparted in the way I clearly recognize, Spirit lovingly, tenderly embraces my deepest needs.  God knows my need for love and acceptance and tenderness.  God knows why I'm not at ease...I'm not embracing ME and my needs.  I try to deny my need need for love, for tender embraces, for acceptance and nurturing on a human, as well as a spiritual level.  When I deny, I'm denying myself at my deepest and most vulnerable levels.  Is it any wonder I don't feel like myself?  Myself is being denied.  Just as I write, Spirit is revealing!

I will continue my inner work, always.  Not with an agenda, but with an open heart.  Open to what is and what God knows I need for this moment and the next...

It's the small things, really, the minutia of the daily, the seasons...and I'm missing it.  

We've been living in town since April of this year, moving from the Boy Scout Camp behind Lopez Lake.   An exciting move to a newer, snug mobile home with 3 (!) bedrooms, a small yard and easy access to town.  Also, sigh, the unceasing hum of traffic, paved sidewalks and lack of privacy. The adventurer in me embraced the move.  This is new; this is exciting.  Yes, the last trek across the face of the dam, car packed to the gills, was accompanied by a slight tearfulness (or as close as I ever get), but the newness took center stage.  A new little yard to plant. Arranging our new living space.  Into summer, the tomato plants flourished, along with a bountiful crop of apples and lemons,  Yay!  I'm loving this, right?  And I did, touching the sides of my life with confidence and optimism.  I threw myself into this new lifestyle with aplomb, working as usual, then adding other responsibilities such as the yard, hiking and walking more, having people over--yep, all good, but not super mindful.

Then the accident...lots of time to think, to meditate,  to pray.  As I did, I realized my soul was hungry for what made me feel at home with myself.  As I meditated to find clarity with my new physical disability, I touched the deep arena of my longings and needs.  I often listen to my "Controller", who tells me to suck it up, that neediness equals weakness.  Touching the deepest places brought clarity.  Not only for allowing others to care for me, but realizing why I was unsettled inside myself.   Unacknowledged longings were "uncomforted"  and disallowed.   You see, no longer have I been able to view the sunrises and sunsets in their fullness,  unobstructed by buildings, utility poles and mobile homes several feet away.  I've been missing the autumnal beauty I reveled in for 17 years. I miss the myriad species of birds and wildlife,  the wildflowers up close, the scents, sounds and textures.  When the first rains came this fall, I longed for the smell of tangy, wet pine needles mixed with loamy earth.  I miss the familiar trails, traversed 3 or 4 times weekly.  I knew each turn and twist, the foliage and trees; I had my stops for contemplation.  I knew them, seasonally, when each wildflower would bloom and wane, when the leaves would turn...all was a part of my deepest soul and my praises to Creator God.

There was and is a hole in my heart.  I feel like someone else at times, longing to be tethered to the real me, experientially...with all five senses.  To find comfort in the familiar and the silence, my heart aches for these.  I have dealt with some anxiety and fearfulness these past 10 weeks.   But I'm not turning away.  This is my truth and I own it.  As I do,  regrets, anxieties and fears calm a bit because they're being recognized with kindness.  And I'm open and receiving.  God knew what I needed and what I continue to need each moment.  For this moment I'm open and accepting.  That is enough.

So much I could write about.  So many circumstances have been a part of my week...

Margaret died on Tuesday evening.   Very glad her suffering was brief, less than 3 weeks.  Grateful to have been able to communicate closely with Terry and Laurie through all this.  We are the next generation,  her legacy of caring lives on through us.  Mother is unemotional, even though this is the sister to whom she was the closest.   I can only hope she sheds tears in private.   I hurt for her and I dislike the fact that I, too, struggle with vulnerability...I rarely am able to cry, though I've prayed for the gift of tears.

I worked full days Monday through Wednesday.   Felt good, but frustratingly painful.   PT twice, which feels painfully good.  I am doing the exercises at home.  I am being proactive.   I am meditating healing energy to my leg/ankle.  I've been listening to youtube talks about healing.  Working on staying present and grounded while visualizing healing and walking normally again.

Thanksgiving in Nipomo was such a great time with the family.   I really didn't do much.  The girls made everything so pretty and Aaron cooked a stellar feast. So different this year...  I'm usually in the camp kitchen cooking a feast for family and neighbors.   So much has changed this year,  that I oftentimes don't feel like ME.  I miss many aspects of living at the camp,  while enjoying many benefits of living in town.  God help me to be present and content wherever I am.

My precious Aunt Margaret is dying.  Terry and Laurie are keeping vigil over her.  Laurie's two girls flew over.   I remember the feelings from my time with Daddy as I see my cousins going through a similar time.  The long days, watching the breathing, remembering days now past, prayers and realizing the massive life shifts,  while sitting quietly watching and waiting.

Yesterday was my first full day at work.  I felt a bit more normal, as in "my normal routine" which is comforting, but had to have others take over rooming patients by 10:40 as my foot/ankle was hurting.  Discouraging,  but easier to admit,  without shame, than ever before.  Growth!  Vulnerability!   And it's good.  PT was very helpful, rather painful and sorta discouraging as I see how little I can actually accomplish. But..I am staying in the moment and learning... I'm staying with the feelings of helplessness and needing help.  I'm open to allowing others to be themselves and assist me.  I see their pleasure in assisting me with the various things that are difficult for me right now.   The needs are lessening, but I am embracing my situation with greater ease...yes, I am!

Cast off today.  Feels so strange.   The skin is tight and scaly, but I soaked and scrubbed like crazy this evening to get off 6 weeks of dead skin, ick.  Ankle is stiff and swollen, but I'm told I can full weight bear.  It's daunting to even put my foot down, but I am going to work and work to get to a new normal.  I choose not to be discouraged about the rehab process. I choose to remain vulnerable and grateful for the inner wisdom and insights received during my down time.  I choose to meditate and pray for healing,  my own and certain others whom God has placed in my life.   I choose...

Another week almost over.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.   Cast comes off on Monday.  I am more mobile on my crutches and able to bear a little more weight to steady myself.  This seemed to come in conjunction with the YouTube talk I listened to regarding our thoughts and our brains and creating new neural pathways with our thoughts.  I can choose.  At this stage of life, I no longer have the option of drifting along mindlessly. Each day, each situation presents the opportunity to choose, to allow,  to grow,  to be mindful and grateful.  Grateful for life and for all those who are in my life.  Grateful for knowing God knows and when I'm still and listening,  I receive.

I've been grateful this week for the people God has placed in my life. You see, I can sometimes take people or leave them.  I can be distant and at arm's length with people.   I do care for others, deeply, but have difficulty with revealing the depth of my feelings. I struggle with vulnerability and admitting weakness.  I want acceptance; I want caring, but feel uncomfortable receiving it.  But this week I'm feeling and knowing.  I'm grateful for my co-workers,  whom I so appreciate and even more so now as I learn to accept their assistance.   Feeling blessed by a little luncheon on Sunday, by time with three of my closest friends on Monday afternoon and, this afternoon, by spending precious  time with Sandy...a 44 year friendship.  When I choose to accept the caring of others, I feel the pleasure and connection I desire.  I am letting myself be who I am in the company of others.  If they don't understand or accept me for who I am, I am learning to be ok with that.  I am learning more about letting others be who they are...well, that is sort of easy for me with all but my family.  So I release, over and over, letting them be on their own journey,  while fiercely loving them unconditionally and praying for them.

Saturday again and I refuse to stay on the pity pot!  Where has my motivation gone?  My zest?  Talking to God on the way home from work yesterday. I was asking,  "What is going on here.   What am I not getting?  Show me what I need to learn from all this...show me, show me! "   My critical Controller tells me to suck it up.  She tells me I'm not the first person in the world to sustain a trimalleolar fracture, that I should be able to do much more than I'm doing.  She perpetuates fear and unease.  Unease with myself and others.  That stupid worrying what others think again.

God is in control and I choose to let Him be.  I will affirm His words over my life.  Let His strength be mine in weakness.  Allow...  Allow Him to be the love and security and grace and growth in my life.  Open, available...

I took the first step...called Beckie.  Now we, with Mother, are having lunch at Jocko's and going to their house afterwards.   I showered, washed my hair reveling  in the thought of being with my family instead of sitting home alone  feeling sorry for myself.  I took the adult step, God gave me the strength and I'm reaping the pleasant vibes.

Sitting here in bed, finished with breakfast,  my devotional and checking FB, etc.  A new day with new choices and new opportunities for allowing.  I have to know that,  seize that...

Worked til almost 2 pm yesterday without lunch.  My back and neck hurt from so much sitting at the computer and being on the phone.   My self-awareness wasn't the best.   Today, I will be more aware of what I need.  I will get up and move.  I will bring food.  I will take care of me, all parts of me.  Would I let those dear to me go without lunch or a potty break til 2?  Of course not!  Then why do I unconsciously listen to my Controller who whispers,  "Keep going, you can work harder and longer than anyone.  There's work to be done and you know how to do it...more, keep going, power through that discomfort!"   Hmmm, I need to have a little meeting with myself...the caring adult knows what to do for others and for me.  Especially for me, right now,  today,  each moment. Discouragement,  lethargy,  sadness follow in the Controller's wake.  I want to be loved and nurtured and acknowledged for being me, as I am, right now, in the midst of imperfection and loss.  God is there, wanting that for me, but am I placing greater validity on the voice of the Controller than the voice of God over, in and through my life.  Please, no.  God forbid!  I will embrace God's words over my life today!

First of all...the rain.  Amazing and wonderful.  Over 190 days without rain and a three year drought.  Loved hearing the rain on the roof last night and this morning. 

Having big problems with irritability and lethargy.   Cranky to Mike this morning,  not happy with my situation.  I am sick of not being able to clean and cook or even get the mail or make my bed.  Floundering in depression and increased body aches from being sedentary.  Mike not super patient when he is trying to do other things,  bills and such.   He's cranky, too.  After he left early this afternoon, I sat and crocheted and read and finally had enough.  I got in the car and drove to Avila.   Parked in the harbor and sat watching the ocean and crocheting. Drove to Shell Beach and sat for a while watching the waves.  Working with my mind a lot.  Talking to God about why this being down physically is affecting me in other areas.  I just feel blah and unmotivated and discouraged.   I am fighting guilt over being this way over such a small disability.  I want to learn from this.  The more I work with it and listen, the more I learn.  God knows and His love is unconditional.  That love is in me...I can have it towards myself and others as long as I go inside to listen and learn. 

Was playing this song on YouTube this morning; 
"Higher than the mountains that I face.  Stronger than the power of the grave.  Constant in the trials and the change, this one thing remains.  Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. (×3)  And on and on and on an on it goes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul.  And I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains:  Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. (×3)

Thursday,  day off.  Interesting week...still don't feel like myself.  Guess it's because I'm physically changed, which affects everything. 

I feel this entire event is changing me.  For one thing,  I realise how I've not been present to the suffering of Beckie Gearing.  I have been there for her and have coordinated happy events for her and listened to her, but I often don't enter into the full scope of her suffering and disabilities. I remain detached from feeling her pain or grieving.  This has, in retrospect,  been a good thing at times.  My clear headed sizing up of certain life threatening situations have made the difference in life and death for her.  But, I do tend to be inwardly critical regarding her time sense, her rabbit trailing conversation and her inability to be proactive  in certain situations.   After almost four weeks of my own gimping around, without other health problems,  I am realizing,  whoa...look what she has lived with all these years.   I could say I'm ashamed,  but have spent too many years living in shame, feeling as if I had no right to be taking up space on the earth because I couldn't get it together.  So, I will learn from this and open my heart to what God will reveal as I stay open.   More to come...

Went back to work part time today!  What a wonderful welcome I received from coworkers and patients.   Warmed my heart and lifted my spirits.   Financial needs drive my decisions regarding work, but it is a huge blessing to be so welcomed and encouraged.

I am sad that I won't be able to meditate with Ruth some mornings.  I felt it was such a powerful time together in silence. I didn't want to give that up as I care deeply for her and feel such shared energy during a our meditation.  Positive , healing and grounding.

This afternoon,  had a good visit with David and his dad.  Mother and Marian also came over.  Good to catch up with dear family.  Who knows when we'll see them again, so I cherish these times together.

Wasted the evening watching TV while playing on my phone.  What is it I'm avoiding; what is it I don't want to think about?  Don't want to be condemning myself here, but I do pray for clarity and understanding.   Not ignoring anything,  but opening and honestly seeing with soul eyes what IS.

     It's Saturday and I'm here alone, facing another long day.  I'm feeling a little low today. Broken sleep, etc.  I wanted to get my hair washed and have Mike do a little watering in the yard before he left, but he was in pain and tired and needed to get working to regain some strength and energy. Soooo, here I am.  I want company, but don't want company--grumpy, grouchy, blah.  I won't condemn myself, though...too many years, a lifetime, of that.  This just is.  It is where I am right now.  I can choose to change it or not.  I am loved by God whether in this state of mind or joyful.  I choose to know that with certainty!  Whether I can spur myself into any sort of action today remains to be seen.  But, I realize it's not important.  Would I condemn my kids or grand-kids if they were feeling low--absolutely not!  I choose not to condemn myself, but to allow myself space, discouragement and the freedom to feel. (I can hear my mother in my head, "Oh, but you shouldn't feel like that!)  Oy...

     I did get out  yesterday, but I refuse to use that as fuel for condemnation!  John & Beckie flaked for the 3rd time this week--annoying, but that's how they are...can't seem to get organised and out the door.  Anne had asked me if I wanted to go out, which I refused as J & B were coming.  When they cancelled, I let Anne know I was free and we went to the Pumpkin Patch on LOVR.  Gorgeous fall afternoon!  Brown hills, blue sky, warm breeze and fresh air.  I hopped around on my crutches for a bit, took some photos...reveled in being OUT!  We had dinner at our place and watched our old people shows:  Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.   But, even though I got out, sleep eluded me til around midnight...oh, well.

     Writing has helped clear the fog a bit.  I sent Alan a text asking if they were free to Skype.  He said in an hour.  That will perk me up like nothing else!  I'm missing them.  Proactive and non-condemning--that's the ticket.  Can't wait to see those dear faces and hear their voices!

A NEW CHAPTER

  Haven't blogged for about 3 years.  Life rushing on;  at times paying attention to the flow and at other times just drifting through the routine, the fatigue, the long days, the happy days.  I am, at age 63, a much different person than I was 3 years ago, praise be to God.  He led me through the waters deep and painful alternating with those that were filled with life-giving, restorative joy and affirmation of who I am with Him, apart from anything and anyone else!  In my "old life", I was a slave to pleasing others and making sure everyone else was "OK" in relationship to me and everyone else I cherish...sheesh, what an exhausting hamster wheel on which to run.  At it's best, I got temporary peace; at it's worst, others were bugged at me for interfering and trying to make everyone like each other!  I have, since childhood, sacrificed my desires on the alter of what I thought would make those around me the happiest or at least cause me the least amount of unrest.  I now know from where my horrible childhood frustration and anger arose.   Over the past five years or so, I have experienced hours of agonizingly difficult inner work during therapy and meditation, in conjunction with hours of hiking, walking and trail running, alone with God on the rugged trails behind Lopez Lake.  For the first time in my entire life, I possess a deep, satisfying grounding I never thought possible for me.  This inner work will continue...always, in each new situation.  Far from being over, each new day is a new opportunity for growth, for moving to the next level of understanding and intimacy with God.

THE NEXT  LEVEL

  "Be careful what you ask for..."  
(Always, this said with a laugh)

  It had been a delightful weekend, after the work stress-pit of flu shot season, packed patient schedules and more paperwork/computer work than I ever realistically had time to completely get out from under.  A friend gave a wonderful Enneagram seminar on Saturday. I attended a relaxing Sunday meditation and potluck.  I was teary with gratitude towards God for allowing this wonderful respite.  And I was now going to spend time with my daughter who was moving into the house of their dreams!   Alas, alack...a trip down the back steps with an armload of pictures, while wearing my jiggly bi-focal sunglasses, changed my life in an instant.  On the ground, I looked at my left ankle and knew...medically, this was NOT good.  And did I mention the pain?  Daughter ran for ice and I kept a clear head, directing my daughter and the neighbor as to what needed to be done:  ambulance for stabilization splints.  Rode with my daughter to the ER after the EMTs did their thing.  The result:  a trimalleolar fracture with dislocation...bad, very bad.  It was a closed fracture, so I was splinted and sent home to see ortho the following day.  Tremendous pain and not much med from the ER due to a change in the nationwide controlled drug tiers...lucky me.  Had surgery 10/7/14 and went home the same day.  The following 10 days were a haze of pain, as in "surgery on the battlefield with no drugs whenever I had to hang my left foot down"--well, maybe a slight exaggeration, but, seriously...and I am not a wuss when it comes to pain and discomfort!  One daughter came from Orange Co. staying for 5 days--an absolute godsend!  Once my Asperger's husband had the scope of the situation fully on his radar, he became a tremendous help. Our other daughter and hubby, in the midst of moving, brought food.  Friends and family sent well-wishes and prayers.  My work was more than understanding, although it was a huge upheaval for a smaller office, that abruptly lost another employee that same week.

   The Next Level...  
A dear person in my life, a long-time meditation practitioner, offered to come to our home to meditate with me in the mornings whenever she was free.  I gratefully accepted.  My mind, between the pain, the meds, and the abruptness of the life-changes, was swirling like anything and I could not settle for more than a short time, except when praying.  The meditation did its' work:  deepening, revealing, drawing, allowing, calming, healing.  During one of the first sessions, God clearly spoke, "this is the next level."  Just that, and nothing more.  But it's there, ruminating, doing it's work in my soul as I am allowing God to show me the next level, not jumping ahead (as per my usual go-to mode of thinking!).

  This strikes me as funny, as I am blogging. A hoot because that is what I've turned to during these lowest times.  Dr, Google was of no practical help on the orthopedic websites...only facts about the surgery and one's anatomy, blah, blah, blah.  Things I knew, for Pete's sake!  Tell me what I don't know, like why the pain doesn't go away after a few days days, why am I depressed, when can I walk again? Run and hike again--you know, another 10K???  Because each day, I despaired of being normal again;  each day the reality struck:  there was and will be no quick fix.  I turned to the trimalleolar fracture blogs.  I was, at once, reassured and depressed to the core.  THIS was reality.  Whether the blogs were upbeat or melancholy, the same thread ran through:  a long, arduous recovery.  Crap...

I am 17 days post op at this writing.  I received a lighter fiberglass cast 3 days ago, yay!  Continuing to meditate alone and with my friend.  Continuing to dwell on the positives and the joy of being alive, but...I hate this!  I hate this with every fiber of my being!  I'm not going to lie or smooth over my gut feelings.  This is me, right now and I hate this.  I hate being dependent on others!  I hate not being able to do my restorative hiking, walking and running. I hate not being at my busy desk, on my feet multi-tasking and interacting with my patients all day.  I've enjoyed being active and serving--it's no longer a dysfunctional thing as it was three years ago and backwards to childhood.  I'm grounded in what I do, and what I like to do with no (as in the past) people-pleasing motives--it's just me, the core me, that I bring to myself and others.  The enjoyment of living deeply from my core.
  
  This next level?  Living with my daily circumstances as openly as possible.  Not denying the gut-wrenching feelings, but feeling and noticing all that needs to be seen for what it is.  I allow God to teach me and to draw me into a greater intimacy, strength and healing (inner and outer), found only in His embrace.