So much I could write about.  So many circumstances have been a part of my week...

Margaret died on Tuesday evening.   Very glad her suffering was brief, less than 3 weeks.  Grateful to have been able to communicate closely with Terry and Laurie through all this.  We are the next generation,  her legacy of caring lives on through us.  Mother is unemotional, even though this is the sister to whom she was the closest.   I can only hope she sheds tears in private.   I hurt for her and I dislike the fact that I, too, struggle with vulnerability...I rarely am able to cry, though I've prayed for the gift of tears.

I worked full days Monday through Wednesday.   Felt good, but frustratingly painful.   PT twice, which feels painfully good.  I am doing the exercises at home.  I am being proactive.   I am meditating healing energy to my leg/ankle.  I've been listening to youtube talks about healing.  Working on staying present and grounded while visualizing healing and walking normally again.

Thanksgiving in Nipomo was such a great time with the family.   I really didn't do much.  The girls made everything so pretty and Aaron cooked a stellar feast. So different this year...  I'm usually in the camp kitchen cooking a feast for family and neighbors.   So much has changed this year,  that I oftentimes don't feel like ME.  I miss many aspects of living at the camp,  while enjoying many benefits of living in town.  God help me to be present and content wherever I am.

My precious Aunt Margaret is dying.  Terry and Laurie are keeping vigil over her.  Laurie's two girls flew over.   I remember the feelings from my time with Daddy as I see my cousins going through a similar time.  The long days, watching the breathing, remembering days now past, prayers and realizing the massive life shifts,  while sitting quietly watching and waiting.

Yesterday was my first full day at work.  I felt a bit more normal, as in "my normal routine" which is comforting, but had to have others take over rooming patients by 10:40 as my foot/ankle was hurting.  Discouraging,  but easier to admit,  without shame, than ever before.  Growth!  Vulnerability!   And it's good.  PT was very helpful, rather painful and sorta discouraging as I see how little I can actually accomplish. But..I am staying in the moment and learning... I'm staying with the feelings of helplessness and needing help.  I'm open to allowing others to be themselves and assist me.  I see their pleasure in assisting me with the various things that are difficult for me right now.   The needs are lessening, but I am embracing my situation with greater ease...yes, I am!

Cast off today.  Feels so strange.   The skin is tight and scaly, but I soaked and scrubbed like crazy this evening to get off 6 weeks of dead skin, ick.  Ankle is stiff and swollen, but I'm told I can full weight bear.  It's daunting to even put my foot down, but I am going to work and work to get to a new normal.  I choose not to be discouraged about the rehab process. I choose to remain vulnerable and grateful for the inner wisdom and insights received during my down time.  I choose to meditate and pray for healing,  my own and certain others whom God has placed in my life.   I choose...

Another week almost over.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.   Cast comes off on Monday.  I am more mobile on my crutches and able to bear a little more weight to steady myself.  This seemed to come in conjunction with the YouTube talk I listened to regarding our thoughts and our brains and creating new neural pathways with our thoughts.  I can choose.  At this stage of life, I no longer have the option of drifting along mindlessly. Each day, each situation presents the opportunity to choose, to allow,  to grow,  to be mindful and grateful.  Grateful for life and for all those who are in my life.  Grateful for knowing God knows and when I'm still and listening,  I receive.

I've been grateful this week for the people God has placed in my life. You see, I can sometimes take people or leave them.  I can be distant and at arm's length with people.   I do care for others, deeply, but have difficulty with revealing the depth of my feelings. I struggle with vulnerability and admitting weakness.  I want acceptance; I want caring, but feel uncomfortable receiving it.  But this week I'm feeling and knowing.  I'm grateful for my co-workers,  whom I so appreciate and even more so now as I learn to accept their assistance.   Feeling blessed by a little luncheon on Sunday, by time with three of my closest friends on Monday afternoon and, this afternoon, by spending precious  time with Sandy...a 44 year friendship.  When I choose to accept the caring of others, I feel the pleasure and connection I desire.  I am letting myself be who I am in the company of others.  If they don't understand or accept me for who I am, I am learning to be ok with that.  I am learning more about letting others be who they are...well, that is sort of easy for me with all but my family.  So I release, over and over, letting them be on their own journey,  while fiercely loving them unconditionally and praying for them.

Saturday again and I refuse to stay on the pity pot!  Where has my motivation gone?  My zest?  Talking to God on the way home from work yesterday. I was asking,  "What is going on here.   What am I not getting?  Show me what I need to learn from all this...show me, show me! "   My critical Controller tells me to suck it up.  She tells me I'm not the first person in the world to sustain a trimalleolar fracture, that I should be able to do much more than I'm doing.  She perpetuates fear and unease.  Unease with myself and others.  That stupid worrying what others think again.

God is in control and I choose to let Him be.  I will affirm His words over my life.  Let His strength be mine in weakness.  Allow...  Allow Him to be the love and security and grace and growth in my life.  Open, available...

I took the first step...called Beckie.  Now we, with Mother, are having lunch at Jocko's and going to their house afterwards.   I showered, washed my hair reveling  in the thought of being with my family instead of sitting home alone  feeling sorry for myself.  I took the adult step, God gave me the strength and I'm reaping the pleasant vibes.

Sitting here in bed, finished with breakfast,  my devotional and checking FB, etc.  A new day with new choices and new opportunities for allowing.  I have to know that,  seize that...

Worked til almost 2 pm yesterday without lunch.  My back and neck hurt from so much sitting at the computer and being on the phone.   My self-awareness wasn't the best.   Today, I will be more aware of what I need.  I will get up and move.  I will bring food.  I will take care of me, all parts of me.  Would I let those dear to me go without lunch or a potty break til 2?  Of course not!  Then why do I unconsciously listen to my Controller who whispers,  "Keep going, you can work harder and longer than anyone.  There's work to be done and you know how to do it...more, keep going, power through that discomfort!"   Hmmm, I need to have a little meeting with myself...the caring adult knows what to do for others and for me.  Especially for me, right now,  today,  each moment. Discouragement,  lethargy,  sadness follow in the Controller's wake.  I want to be loved and nurtured and acknowledged for being me, as I am, right now, in the midst of imperfection and loss.  God is there, wanting that for me, but am I placing greater validity on the voice of the Controller than the voice of God over, in and through my life.  Please, no.  God forbid!  I will embrace God's words over my life today!

First of all...the rain.  Amazing and wonderful.  Over 190 days without rain and a three year drought.  Loved hearing the rain on the roof last night and this morning. 

Having big problems with irritability and lethargy.   Cranky to Mike this morning,  not happy with my situation.  I am sick of not being able to clean and cook or even get the mail or make my bed.  Floundering in depression and increased body aches from being sedentary.  Mike not super patient when he is trying to do other things,  bills and such.   He's cranky, too.  After he left early this afternoon, I sat and crocheted and read and finally had enough.  I got in the car and drove to Avila.   Parked in the harbor and sat watching the ocean and crocheting. Drove to Shell Beach and sat for a while watching the waves.  Working with my mind a lot.  Talking to God about why this being down physically is affecting me in other areas.  I just feel blah and unmotivated and discouraged.   I am fighting guilt over being this way over such a small disability.  I want to learn from this.  The more I work with it and listen, the more I learn.  God knows and His love is unconditional.  That love is in me...I can have it towards myself and others as long as I go inside to listen and learn. 

Was playing this song on YouTube this morning; 
"Higher than the mountains that I face.  Stronger than the power of the grave.  Constant in the trials and the change, this one thing remains.  Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. (×3)  And on and on and on an on it goes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul.  And I never ever have to be afraid, this one thing remains:  Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. (×3)