The black cloud descended again somewhere around  the 14th.  I knew it well, like a familiar pair of shoes; I hated it; I resisted it.  Face down in the mud, drinking puddle syrup, stone cold.  Over and over throughout my adult years, I've known these dark nights of the soul.  I could, as in the past, crawl under the covers in shame, berating myself until I feel utterly unfit to be taking up my personal space on God's earth.   I could settle myself in the pool of unworthiness, unable to freely embrace my multi-faceted life.

In years past, I had no idea what to do with my despair, my pain, my shame over not being enough and the subsequent roiling anxieties.  I controlled, I volunteered at church, I exercised, I ate, I slept, I worked--I DID.  And that was the problem...DOING.  Always DOING to escape pain.  Always doing to escape the feelings.  Pain and feelings meant needs and needs were bad and shameful.  Always wishing my life was different, more satisfying and feeling shame over THAT!

And then, God broke through...February of 2010, to be exact.  I was led to a gifted therapist who showed me how to go inside.  Through visualization and meditation, God was able to break through my barriers and show me who I was with Him, who I really was...and my pretenses agonizingly crumbled in the light.  So why in the heck am I still having bouts of darkness?  Who knows and who cares??  Because the darkness no longer signals "lack" or "less than".  It is part of the tapestry of ME.  

Group meditation this last weekend was especially rich, not because I tried to pretend life was wonderful and all peace, but because I was needy in the moment and I knew it and I did not turn away.   What I was shown, I hope never to forget.  I was drawn to a body of water, deep inside, the still, silvery blue of the ocean at sunset.  I was bidden to slither in.  I felt no change of temperature...neither warm or cold.  The water was as I am, perfectly fine-tuned for my body to function.  I heard, "this water is your needs, your longings, your desires.  It is neutral in temperature, because your needs are neutral--neither good or bad.  They were instilled in you during conception, from Me, to form the whole of who you are.  You are painfully miserable when you deny your needs in any form, as you are denying the whole of who you are--beautifully rich and complex and able to understand the smallest nuances of colors, atmosphere, the behavior of others.  If you deny, you will never be fully human in the sense you were created to be."   Wow...aching gratefulness and wonder.  No more words right now...