I have to be shown over and over...and over.  When I'm not mindful, I forget.  When my mind is cluttered and "uncentered", I forget.  When I'm thinking of everyone but me, I forget.   I need to be...selfish.  Selfish in the right way--taking good care of me.  Because, who else is going to??  "Love your neighbor as yourself."  I can't love if I don't follow the second injunction:  as yourself.  Now I know this is kindergarten basic, but over and over, I flunk.  My mind is on everything and everyone else:  what others want, what they are thinking, what they are thinking in relationship to those for whom I care, what the dog needs, what my patients' need, my employer, etc to infinity!!!  And, in the midst of all that, I forget the really important things, the really important acts of caring, because I'm not caring for ME.

I am coming to these realizations infinitely more quickly than I used to, which is an encouragement.  I no longer stay in the mud puddle, I meditate my way out.  I meditate in the midst of darkness and the light is revealed, slowly, surely, clearly.  As the mindless chatter gives way to God, Spirit reveals what I need to know.  Imparted in the way I clearly recognize, Spirit lovingly, tenderly embraces my deepest needs.  God knows my need for love and acceptance and tenderness.  God knows why I'm not at ease...I'm not embracing ME and my needs.  I try to deny my need need for love, for tender embraces, for acceptance and nurturing on a human, as well as a spiritual level.  When I deny, I'm denying myself at my deepest and most vulnerable levels.  Is it any wonder I don't feel like myself?  Myself is being denied.  Just as I write, Spirit is revealing!

I will continue my inner work, always.  Not with an agenda, but with an open heart.  Open to what is and what God knows I need for this moment and the next...