Thursday,  day off.  Interesting week...still don't feel like myself.  Guess it's because I'm physically changed, which affects everything. 

I feel this entire event is changing me.  For one thing,  I realise how I've not been present to the suffering of Beckie Gearing.  I have been there for her and have coordinated happy events for her and listened to her, but I often don't enter into the full scope of her suffering and disabilities. I remain detached from feeling her pain or grieving.  This has, in retrospect,  been a good thing at times.  My clear headed sizing up of certain life threatening situations have made the difference in life and death for her.  But, I do tend to be inwardly critical regarding her time sense, her rabbit trailing conversation and her inability to be proactive  in certain situations.   After almost four weeks of my own gimping around, without other health problems,  I am realizing,  whoa...look what she has lived with all these years.   I could say I'm ashamed,  but have spent too many years living in shame, feeling as if I had no right to be taking up space on the earth because I couldn't get it together.  So, I will learn from this and open my heart to what God will reveal as I stay open.   More to come...